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HOME ARCHIVES PERSONAL ARTS CHESS SCRIPTS MATHS & SCIENCE |
| 06 Dec 2002 |
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Genocide Robert Mugabe and his Zanu(PF) party are not popular in Zimbabwe's north-western district of Binga, and in recent elections the district returned a member of the opposition party Movement for Democratic Change; Mugabe's response has been to block food shipments into Binga, causing widespread starvation. This is part of a deliberate policy by state monopoly the Grain Marketing Board, which sells grain only to card-carrying Zanu(PF) members. In addition, the Government - in contravention of existing agreements - refuses to allow private agencies to import food. The hunger this has caused is the food weapon now being used against areas still opposing Mugabe. Didymus Mutasa, the Zanu(PF) Administrative Secretary, says "We would be better off with only 6 million people [out of the present 12 million] - with our own people who support the liberation struggle [i.e. Zanu(PF) supporters]. We don't want all those extra people". Foremost among the "extra people" that Mutasa talks about will be the Matabele tribe (Mugabe is of the majority Shona tribe). Be prepared for some horror stories from Zimbabwe in 2003. |
 Man EaterA 20ft African rock python is being hunted in South Africa, after it swallowed a 10-year-old boy near Durban. The boy's companions (the children had been gathering fruit) were so terrified when the snake seized their friend that they hid up a tree, unable to help as the python swallowed the boy whole. Craig Smith is the owner of a nearby snake park, and is too much of a businessman to let a little incident like that make him forget about money. Mr Smith aims to catch the creature alive; about the boy and his family he said nothing, but explained his hunt for the snake with the words, "I am hoping to take it to my snake farm, where it would be a great tourist attraction". |
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| Department of Schmaltz |
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For a tasteful and unsentimental
Christmas gift, how about this praying Teddy? Teddy is
kneeling down, and when you press his cute little paws he recites a
child's bedtime prayer (evidently some parents are incapable of
teaching their children anything without resort to microchips). Now is this cloying, or what? I'm just glad I can't hear Teddy's cute voice, for I think I'd throw up. One final thought: let's hope Teddy doesn't come from the same Far Eastern factory that made the Love Teddies a couple of years back, which instead of saying things like "I love you" when you pressed their little tummy-buttons, were instead reported to be saying "Wanker". Otherwise we'll be looking at millions of American kids in therapy after being insulted by naughty, naughty Teddy! |
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| GREAT BRITON |
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When Nicholas Soames was about six, he broke through the valet-guard which normally defended Churchill's working room and said, "Grandpapa, is it true that you are the greatest man in the world?" Churchill said, "Yes. Now bugger off." |
| WACKOS CORNER |
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This week's wacko is Sterling D Allan, of www.greaterthings.com. Mr Allan has invented a form of divination called alphabetics, which holds that the positions of words in dictionaries reveal prophecies left by God. So word number 4545 in his Hebrew dictionary is Macceketh, the Hebrew word for Web, while word 4546 is Mecillah, the Hebrew for Highway. Get it? The Hebrew dictionary foretells the Internet!! Trouble is, the Olympians got there too. In my Greek dictionary the word Aratos (meaning either prayed-for or accursed depending on context) comes before the collection of words referring to Webs, spiders etc; and the word Araps (an Arab) comes immediately after. It is clearly a message from the mighty Olympians. Zeus the Immortal speaks to us this very day! |
| RAGE OVER A LOST PENNY |
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Herefordshire farmer David Delaney received a demand from the IR for £0.01. On querying it, he was assured that he did not need to pay it. Shortly after, he received a fixed-penalty notice for £100 - plus a demand for the original penny. Despite further reassurances, he received a new fixed-penalty demand for £200 - plus that penny. Exasperated, he sent off a 1p coin to HM Inspector of Taxes, and soon received a fresh statement saying that the penalties had been waived...but informing him that he had overpaid his tax by 1p. |
| CHESSBABES |
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More stunning was the Azerbaijani team, led by near-fetus Grandmaster Teimour Radjabov: their top players are all 17 or under. Heck, there are players in the US team with things in their refrigerators older than that. Azerbaijan did have a 26-year-old on the team, but I bet they just brought him along to buy the beer. |
One
chess journalist always worth reading is Mig Greengard, of